jedi was online, cant really understand why after chatted with him, my heart feels like it's falling pieces by pieces again. i cant sleep well yesterday, keep on crying without no perticular reasons. i feel there's something in me that feels unsecure, and threatened. there's some space in my heart that's still wounded, and it still asks for loads of tears coming out every night. i want jedi to know what it feels to be me every night. want him to soothe me just like the way he always do. i want him to care for me with a never changing love and affection. i want to listen he says that i mean so much to him. that i am something and someone for him.

but all of that just seems so far away from me
had to wake up face reality
it all just seem to good to be true after all you put me through

i keep on telling myself how tough i am, when the reality puts me in despair every day. how can this possible be? been in pain for too long, cant really tell whether i'll still be able to love again, or not. it's too damn hard!!!!

IrRiTaTiNgZ?

DoN't YoU jUsT hAtE iT wHeN pEoPlE wRiTe LiKe ThIs AlL tHe FrEaKiNg TiMe? I wOnDeR, iS tHiS sOmEkInD oF fIlTeR tHiNg Or ArE tHeSe PeOpLe ReAlLy ThIs PaTiEnT aNd KeEp HiTtInG tHe DaMn ShIfT buTtOn In EvErY oThEr LeTtEr???

I alzo hate it when peepz shortn evry thingz and put z in evry thingz. It drivz me nutz and I cantz read it.

Audi

i was googling my name, and when i found my blog in the found search and click on it, it showed my old blog. hmm, maybe it's because i haven't write my name on my past postings. maybe i should try it now, let's see, what phrase that comes well with my name on it?? hmm, cant really think of one..

indira dhian

that'll do just fine xD

lately i'm crazy with natalie portman. she's smart& beautiful. what a great mix.. btw, this is the picture that i putted on my friendster page. still felt the guilt, but then again, dont really care about it :) hehehehe

:: Annie Lennox // Waiting In Vain ::

nice song!! hahaha, jedi was online today. cant talked much, dont know what to say. huh, like he really cares about me. anyhoo, let's just stop being low for this moment.
there's so many unknown person messaging me thru friendster today. from 9, 5 of them said that my photo is great!! oops, i felt guilty coz it's not my actual photo, it's natalie portman's. hahaha, cant i be pretty just for once?! xD

i got this feeling of urgency to learn new things. i got stucked with my ordinary knowledge. besides that, i wanna memorize godfather's famous lines. hahaha, and that is for no perticular reasons :p

hmm, i'm running out of words.

"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart."
- Psalm 37:4

thank God for that verse! Went to JHCC the other day and guess what?! I met ade, mumu, ibi, and other 2 guys that i cant really remember who they were, but acted really nice :) i'm really happy to saw them again after all these years! meeting old friends can really bring good mood to me. Thank God for old friends x)

trying to forget pas mistakes lately, and just lay back, enjoying every blessing in disguise that come in my way. cant really understand why i'm crazy with michael buble right now?! maybe it's because of you marisa!! hahaha. but then again, his music is so cool, listening to it makes me able to imagine things again. kinda like a tense releaser, huh?! hehe, i dont mind with it :p

thinking about changing my photo on friendster with bjork's. haha, i know that i dont resemble her in any way, but hey, she looks real cool and different. just wanna change people's impression about my real look. but again, does it necessary..hmm, guess not!

:: Firasat // Marcell ::

Kemarin.. ku lihat awan membentuk wajahmu
desau angin meniupkan namamu, tubuhku terpaku
Semalam.. bulan sabit melengkungkan senyummu
Tabur bintang serupa kilau auramu
aku pun sadari.. 'ku segra berlari..

Cepat pulang.. cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi
firasatku ingin kau 'tuk
cepat pulang cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi

Akhirnya.. bagai sungai yang mendamba samudera
ku tahu pasti kemana kan 'ku bermuara, smoga ada waktu Sayangku.. 'ku percaya alam pun berbahasa
ada makna di balik semua pertanda
Firasat ini, rasa rindukah ataukah tanda bahaya
aku tak peduli.. 'ku terus berlari

Dan lihatlah sayang, hujan turun membasahi, seolah 'ku berair mata..

Cepat pulang.. cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi
firasatku ingin kau 'tuk
Cepat pulang cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi
firasatku ingin kau 'tuk
Cepat pulang.... pulang.... hoooww

aku pun sadari.. engkaulah firasat hati...


hahaha, cant believe that my feelings are just so damn true!! that girl ... jedi's .. is in town. but she'll be here only till tuesday. dont know why, but i'm not that depressed like i used to. listening to michael buble kinda sooth my soul out.

chatted with marisa for a while. i almost take that anti depressant pils!! can u believe that??!!! arrghhh what is wrong with me?? i even almost tried to smoke pot! x'(

"even heroes have the right to bleed. even heroes have the right to dream. it's not easy to be me"

i have the right to love. i have the right to life. i have the right to dream again. and i tend to use it to the max!!!

i wish to smell the aroma of life and freedom again. to feel the breeze of love on my heart once more ...



[Painting by Monet]

starting to feel a little bored with friendster. i almost never update it anymore, or even just to check it out. but i've read the testimonials that other's have wrote about it, and it was so sweet. each and every one of them. i cant believe that i've left a good impression to each of my friends. wow ... it's been a bloody life, but with these kinds of friends with me all the time, it's gonna be a straight and smooth way in a bumpy old road of life.

thanks guys!!

met jedi yesterday, miss him a lot, just to find out that he doesn't reply my sms. [sigh bah cuh!], but anyhoo, lately i'm enjoying my going to and homing from campus with nay and cha2. they're both very nice and fun to be with. i went to the mall with nay yesterday. and it was fun!!

i changed my profile in friendster a lil bit. changing my status to "in a relationship"! hahaha, but then i changed it back to the way it is ;p

i cant believe my day.. recently mom has been a real turn off. she keeps on getting mad with me. arrghhh .... everything that i did seems so wrong to her.

last wednesday, i went to campus by bus. when i was waiting in the bus stop, there was this cute guy [at least i thought he was cute], rode a kijang suddenly stopped and gestured me to went along with him to campus. that was so surprising!! but foolishly, i didnt go to his car.. HUH!!!

it's 2am in the morning, and still i can sleep. keep on thinking about where am i going to. it's hard, but i have to make it through.

went out with tista, ervand, and joan today [well, actually it's yesterday]. had dinner, then went straight back to nanonine. talked about some things and two with joan. i cant believe the ways that she finally chose. her strength is absolutely amazing. now, that's what i called a strong woman. after ervand left, the three of us just sitted outside the distro, singing. we sang the songs from chuch into anything our mouth can give voice to. it was a great evening. i enjoyed it very much. cant think about the reality that in about 9 months from now, tista is going to canada. another friend, fly away. well, that's life.

but generally, today is splendid. i feel my inner self is pumpped up a little bit. thanks to my dearest friends... luv u guys a lot!!!

maybe i should teach myself not to be so curious about jedi, and every little thing that is related to him. or else, i cant do what he wants me to.. accepting the facts! @!#* i just read his posting on friendster's bulletin board, and most of his words just tearing me apart. i cant understand how to get over him as fast as he can get over me. i hate the feeling of happiness everytime i received sms from him that tells that he misses me. i hate it! it makes me feel so fragile and desperate. i dont wanna be that low. i hate people playing games with my feelings. i hate people messing up my life. i hate people who step on me.

why does he have to do this to me, if in the end all he's going to do is just slam me back.

so many things happened lately. i haven't got the time to write in, so most of them, well ... i almost forgot what happened. hmm, let's see.. on monday, just went to campus like usual. oh yeah!! went to pi mall with nadia, marisa, arga, andini, to bought a present for tya. nay dropped me there, and i met vokke with farah. on tuesday, i went to accompanied tista to the canadian embassy. it was a nice day, we had lunch together and we both sat on the pedestrian until i got my bus to campus. it was a hot day, so i change my clothes right after i reached campus. after that, went to tya's house. she's having her birthday that day. jedi started to sms me again. when the time reached midnite, he said sorry cause he's missing me.

oh well ...

then, wednesday, just yesterday. went to campus and finished what i had to finished. nay dropped me at home. then nadia picked me up, and we went to tya. from there we went to new york cafe, to watched the groove. it was a painful night. all the way to nyc starting from tya's house, all i can remember is that i was writing sms back and forth to jedi. we had a fight, one of the fight that i wont forget. after the unfinished fight, he told me again thru sms that he miss me.

arrghhh !!!

he didnt pick me up, instead ervand, tista and their friend picked me up and drove me home. thanks a lot tis!!

that's all i guess.. it's not a very nice days for me :/

Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

Indira !!!
You are a Queen!
Beautiful, Wise, Strong
Righteous, Commanding, Humble

You are the beautiful and compassionate Queen. You are the epitomy of what every woman should be. You are confident, bold, aggressive, smart, womanly and feminine. You know the right thing to do and do it. You command respect and earn praise. You are moral and loving. In times of trouble, you draw strength from within, and are a source of strength for others.

i need a hug

"Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
-Philippians 4:8 NLT

The Word of God says the right thing, everything is in your mind. That's why they called it 'battle field of the mind'. as long as i can fix my thoughts on the things that is positive, i'll be able to overcome negative thoughts on my mind. as you all may know by now. even me myself when i read back all the postings i've made, i discovered that most of what i wrote is filled with feelings of defeat, sadness, despair and all that. i didn't use to think and act like what i'm doing nowdays. i'm changing into the kind of person, that i dont wanna be.

being happy is a choice. and what should i choose now? i'm still thinking: should i stay or walk away. marisa said that it's better if i walk away. but is it the right thing to do? would i be able to do that? or will i let my compassion and love take me away?

like today, i cant believe that this morning, he finally called me. i suppose he already read my email. he told me that he'll called me back, but until now, he never did. i began to lost my faith in him and every words he ever said to me. but instead of letting those unnecessary things to occupy my mind, i let myself to enjoy what i'm going to face ahead. and i think i've done the right thing at that moment. :D

i'm proud of myself for that i am able to stand for what i believe in... let's do it one step at a time ...
way to go indira! :)

after i post my last blog. a big thing hitted me. i was feeling rather lonely at that moment, and i didnt feel like going to campus. so i called jedi to his house. it turned out, this guy said that he was already living to bandung.

[inhale ... exhale.. inhale ... exhale]

the minute i hang up the phone, i cried. he once told me that he wanted to go to bandung with me. i cant believe he didnt even told me about it. he didnt even phone me, sms me, or anything. it's like he's really anxious in getting everything over with.

i called joan, but it was mailbox. i went from wartel to wartel, just to made a phone call, but none of 'em was working. i got desperate. got no credit left on my cell. the last credit i spent was calling jedi's home and got THIS in return.

thank God at that time, retno was online. talked to her the whole time, she's really succeed in calming me down. even though i cried for almost 1 straight hours, she was there to giving me advices and all. i dont know what i will do if retno wasn't there.

marisa ... hmm, cant really find a friend like her too. when she said that she read my blog, i haven't post this one yet. so ma, if you're reading this one out. well, that's what happened early yesterday morning.

called that 'MORNING SHOCK'

FACE YOURSELF AND TELL YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE!!

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
- Matthew 11:28-30

how this passage really gives me a freshness of mind. i feel like i've been thru lots of discouragment lately. my minds keep on telling me that this is all meant to be. all of the loneliness, all of the pain, all of the bitter. i lost my directions. i feel like i'm walking in the wrong pathway. i dont know who to turn for counsel. i mean ... i know exactly to whom i must turn to, but i guess i easily let Him down. or perhaps i consider His ways is not the kind of ways that i want. i tend to work things my own way. and as we know ... i'm wrong, now, i got mislead.

at this kind of time, i wish i have someone [physically] right next to me. to comfort me, just hold me, rub my cheeks, stroking my hair. someone to tell me that in a way i'm special no matter what others may say. is that so hard for me to get? what is wrong with me that makes me unable to get that kind of attention from anyone? the one that i thought will always stay and be with me has gone and leave me. what's left is only the pain for knowing that the promise has been spoken with no consistent actions following it. it makes me unable to trust again.

watching most of my friends that have to deal with these things really bother me. we have given everything we can. we gave our sincere affections and love. but instead of receiving what we deserve, all we get is betrayal, dishonest, broken promises and remorse for our foolishness. now do these things really worth the fight?

maybe i'm not being fair here. there is also some things that we gain. we gain strength, we gain self aknowledgement that we are able to give love to the fullest without first calculating what we'll get in return. we didn't play by the book, but we are able to use our heart.

why do women regrets the most?